My Dad - still missing him - one year later

A year ago - I was on my first "real date" since Kurt and I separated. I had just dropped Ava off with her dad - the phone rang as he drove away. It was my niece's number and I chose not to answer because I was too emotional about handing Ava off. 3 minutes later the phone rang again - she never did that so I knew something was wrong. I stood in the Giant grocery store as a family friend told me my 61 year old dad was dead. He shot himself in his bedroom. And, I needed to call my mom, 2 brothers and sister because Phil (my brother who found him) was with the police. She was kind - but I was in shock and made her repeat it before I fell to the ground in the middle of a super market. The calls to my family were the hardest calls I ever had to make and it was the longest ride I ever took to Cazenovia. The family survived, but as my sister-in-law said a few days ago - our questions still peel away at fresh wounds... why?


As the oldest and most prepared to public speak I once again stepped into the role of family spokes person. A role that I hope I do not have to do again for a very long time. Here is the script that I read from at his funeral and the poem I read at the end. I have not read them since that day - but a year later - they still capture how I feel about my Dad. I miss you Dad and pray that you are out of pain in a better place.





Tribute to my Dad

Many of you sat in this same room a few years ago when our family came together to morn the loss of my brother Dan. I wish that I was not speaking in front of you again so soon. If it is true that a parent’s worst fear is losing a child, then a child’s worst fear is losing her parent. This past Friday, one of my worst fears came true. As I was thinking about writing a tribute to my Dad I thought – how can I say a few words that do justice to all the years of love and strength that Dad gave us? I hope that the real tribute to Dad will be the actions of my (our) lives—that we are a testament to the love and lessons that he instilled in all of us!

Phil- tenacity & strength to grow through life’s lessons
Anne- unconditional love & the ability to find/create the perfect gift
Chris- strength & the ability to talk people into almost anything
Mick – craftsmanship & ability to take apart & build just about anything
Dan- kindness & ability to think in detail
Me- persistence & the ability to think outside the box

As I’ve been remembering my Dad the past few days, while coming to grip with the inevitable, I asked - How can I tell a story of my Dad that conveys the message of what his love and strength has meant to all of us. Well, here is my best shot…

My Dad was all about the holidays – for Easter the Easter Bunny sincerely hid all of our gifts – the older you were the harder he hid them – as the oldest mine were always the hardest to find – putting a chocolate bunny box in the cereal box cabinet – how fair was that… For Valentines Day he hand wrote a unique poem for each of us on our hearts full of chocolate candy… For Christmas Santa Clause was very busy wrapping all night long, so that in the morning we were in complete awe with how much Santa must have to accomplish in one night. Although Dad had six children he always took the time to buy, make, or hide our unique gifts in a way that each one of us knew that we were special – there were no cookie cutter days in our house. I am an artist and thinker. Dad knew that I had the ability to think out of the box and accept any challenge, so he always encouraged me to do so – he did not let me slide or take the easy way out… In high school he took the time to show me how to draw/visualize three dimensionally when I struggled with mechanical drawing and writing with great detail, he helped me build my shadow box of Egypt according to scale even when I was impatient with the lesson, and taught me to throw abandon to the wind when holding tight to the back of his Harley on the way home from dance lessons in a tutu. Through his grand (and sometime embarrassing gestures – especially to his kids), Dad taught me to laugh and be proud of all the gifts I was given – even the ones I had to work at to do well – because they were “COOL” and he would be able to brag about them at the P&C. Thank you Dad, for showing me how to love my child and to believe in myself. We will miss you every day!

Poem:
We Can’t Believe You’re Gone
Dad, our sadness knows no end;
We can’t believe you’re gone;
We’re grieving for you every day;
It’s hard to carry on.
You were always there to support and care,
When we needed a true friend,
How we’ll ever do without our dad,
We cannot comprehend.
You were our teacher and our guide,
Our dad, so good and strong;
Your example will sustain us now,
And last our whole lives long.
We’re trying to communicate;
We hope that you can hear;
Expressing what we feel for you,
Helps us feel you’re near.
Our memories of the times we had
Help the pain to go away.
But Dad, our lives won’t be the same;
We’ll miss you every day.
A part of us went with you;
You left a gap too big to fill;
You’re our father and our hero;
We love you and always will.
-Joanna Fuchs